Funny Man Scratching Head an Ass

December 4, 2022

Sunday

8:00 p.m.

Broward Center for Performing Arts, Fort Lauderdale, FL

Fort Lauderdale, FL

Keillor & Company with Prudence Johnson and Dan Chouinard bring their show to Fort Lauderdale, FL for a performance of classic love songs, poetry, The News from Lake Wobegon, and a conversation about Why You Should Go On Getting Older

November 6, 2022

Sunday

7:30 p.m.

The Bend Theatre, West Bend, WI

West Bend, WI

Garrison Keillor brings his show to West Bend, WI for a performance of sing-a-longs, poetry, The News from Lake Wobegon, and a conversation about Why You Should Go On Getting Older

October 13, 2022

Thursday

7:30 p.m.

Virginia Theatre, Champaign, IL

Champaign, IL

Keillor & Company with Prudence Johnson and Dan Chouinard. A performance of classic love songs, poetry, The News from Lake Wobegon, and a conversation about Why You Should Go On Getting Older

October 9, 2022

Sunday

7:00 p.m.

Paramount Hudson Valley, Peekskill, NY

Peekskill, NY

Garrison Keillor brings his solo show to Peekskill NY. Be prepared to laugh and sing along as you celebrate all that unite us.

August 20, 2022

Saturday

7:30 p.m.

Big Top Chautauqua, Bayfield, WI

Big Top Chautauqua, Bayfield, WI

Garrison Keillor and his Prairie Home Friends (Fred Newman, Heather Masse, Rich Dworsky, Richard Kriehn & Dan Magraw) bring their show to Big Top Chautauqua for a performance of night of laughter, song and The News from Lake Wobegon.

Remember, young people, at all times and places
Be polite on a regular basis
Say Buenos dias as someone approaches,
Or, if it's evening, say Bueno noches.
Please and thank you go a long way.
Excuse me, and if I may.
And always chew with your mouth shut
And please don't scratch your butt.

No, don't scratch your butt
Though it feels good, I know
Makes you feel cheerier to touch your posterior
But there's no pro and con — it's open and shut.
Don't scratch your butt.

Do Europeans or Norwegians
Scratch at their nether regions?
Do the Marines? Do our troops in Iraq
Stand at attention and reach for their crack?
It's gauche. Even Howard Stern
Would regard a butt-scratcher with concern—
In public. To be scratching your tush.
Do Congressmen do it? Did President Bush?

No, don't scratch your butt
Even though it may itch.
Only brutes, put a hand to their glutes
Believe me the case is extremely clear-cut
Don't scratch your butt.
I saw a fellow today in L.A.
In a Starbucks buying a venti latte
He has a good future, I have no doubt
But why did he do what he did with his snout?
Right out in public. It was so weird.
Suddenly his finger disappeared.
And you looked and you had to wonder if
He'd been taught how to use a handkerchief.

Please don't pick your nose
Even if you use secret techniques
Nobody does it, not top CEOs
None of the classic Romans or Greeks
None of the Sioux or Navahos
Please don't pick your nose

As you get older you move to L.A.
And you write a very successful screenplay
Then comes the day — O praise the Lord —
When you attend the Academy Awards
And they open the envelope — and call your name
A standing ovation — you won the game
You feel an itch — a real irritation —
All eyes on you and you feel a temptation

Don't scratch your butt
You're an artist, not an old mutt
If you need a reminder — please — not your hinder.
You can grin, you can strut, you can sneer, I suppose
Don't scratch your butt. Don't pick your nose.
And may I say in parting,
Thanks for not farting.

mcfarlandouromighave.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.garrisonkeillor.com/radio/dont-scratch-your-butt/

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